


Coming Home

by hiddleshug



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve has panic attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-23 01:34:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4858169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddleshug/pseuds/hiddleshug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He supposed that he should be grateful, but there was no more Bucky, no more Peggy, no more anything that he could hold on to. He was alive but everything in his life was gone. </i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steve Rogers woke up from the cold and figured that he would be living a lonely life. Then he found out that he wasn't alone after all; no matter how it goes, there will always be someone who'll be with him till the end of the line.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Another Day, Another Dawn

_He was facing the controlling monitors when the cloud started to disappear. He bent forward to touch the glass as his vision began to fill with a tone of light blue. Steve had thought that the ocean would be a darker shade of_ _navy_ _, but he has never been so close to the ocean before so he wouldn’t have known how it would look like. Before being recruited to the army he had only been in a city covered with_ _red_ _brick buildings and_ _grey_ _concrete pavements. Even when he was performing on tours around the states, he has never seen so much water before. The vast of_ _light_ _blue stretched across the screen and seemed to merge with the grey sky on the horizon. Maybe if the glass in front of him shattered, the loud waves and wind would make him more afraid of the situation, but the silence eased him a bit from the urgency._

_“You know, I still don’t know how to dance.”_

_He could hear Peggy covering her sobs through his earpiece. A few years ago, he would have never believed that a girl as beautiful and confident as Peggy would want to dance with him. Bucky has always been the one who was great with the ladies. Steve’s lip twitches and he bites on it_ _hard enough_ _to prevent a whimper from escaping. He wonders if it will hurt more by drowning or by falling from ten thousand feet above the ground_ _, into the deep icy valleys_ _…_

_“I’ll show you how. Just be there.”_

_Steve covered his face with trembling hands as the memories of Peggy came to him in bits and pieces. He had imagined so many times how once the war was over, he would learn to dance and ask her out. Maybe one day they would walk down the aisle with Bucky as his best man. They would have a few kids, and Bucky would have kids too,_ _at around the same time,_ _so their children would be as close as they were. He drew a shaky smile as he finally looked up to the screen, where the light blue turned out to be thick sheets of ice, and says to Peggy, “I’d hate to step on you…”_

\---

Steve shot up from the bed violently, his body shaking and sweating. He could still see shades of blue as the dark room spun around him, urging him to shut his eyes. It was quiet, the only sound was his heavy wheezing, which echoed around him in the small, empty room. He pushed himself off the bed as he headed towards the bathroom, his right hand holding onto the wall, but collapsed half way as his legs couldn’t carry him any longer. A heavy mass swiveled within his stomach, and Steve retched on his knees while trying to support himself on his elbow.

It had been a few months since he woke up from the little room set up by SHIELD. The moment he realized seventy years had passed and he didn’t die from the crash, he ran straight to an alley and threw up in a crying mess. He had never been suicidal but he was so terrified to have found out that he was still alive. He supposed that he should be grateful, but there was no more Bucky, no more Peggy, no more anything that he could hold on to. He was alive but everything in his life was gone. Steve wasn’t sure if he just blacked out or if someone sedated him, but when he woke up, he was back on a bed at SHIELD.

Nick Fury may be a tough and fierce man, but he seemed to feel responsible for Steve’s panic attack. He never apologized or talked about it, but Steve knew that he prohibited anyone from ever talking about it because people who saw him didn’t look at him with a pity. Curiosity maybe, but they have only really expressed excitement after they have confirmed Steve’s identity. Fury also told him about Peggy and gave him a list of all the surviving soldiers from his unit. Steve thanked him for that, and felt relief for a while, but reality never failed to kick back in and he knew that these people won’t be the ones from his memories.

Steve stood up from the ground as his vision started to clear. He rubbed his face with a tired sigh and walked into the bathroom. The reflection on the mirror showed an unshaven young man with bloodshot eyes. The blue eyes stood out from the emotionless face, but it lost the brightness that used to shine. Steam started to appear and cover the sloppy figure as Steve turned on the faucet; he looked down at the sink and started to clean himself up.

It was still early in the morning when he finished cleaning. Steve had some leftover sandwich for breakfast and turned on the TV. It wasn’t just the people that changed. Technology became far more advanced too and it took Steve a while to understand how the different buttons on the TV remote work. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how a TV worked; even though he couldn’t afford one back in his day, it was quite easy to find a TV when you were a “celebrity” touring around the nation. It was just that now there are so many functions that were both fascinating and confusing. You can put a movie into a disc that's at the size of his palm? How does that even work?

Days seemed to last so long ever since he woke up in the 20th century. Before, he always had something to do with someone. Whether it was shooting enemies at the front line or just lying down and talking about nothing; he had someone. Usually it was Peggy or Bucky, but even when he wasn’t with them he would have other companions and comrades. Yes, he talks to people in SHIELD, and perhaps he is quite close with his neighbors, but there was always a barrier between himself and the world. He has a seventy year knowledge gap that separates himself from young people. People would have thought that he could get along with elders, and yet despite his experience in the war, he is still a young man who hasn’t been through seventy years of hardship in life.

Steve shook himself from the thoughts and brushed the crumbs off his clothes. He needed a distraction from this unbearable silence in his flat, so he decided to leave the house and visit Peggy, whom he has been visiting every week. If he could, he would visit her every day, but it exhausted Peggy whenever she stayed up for more than half a day. The first time when he finally took the courage to meet Peggy, he was stunned by the image he saw regardless of his mental preparation. It might not be long before Steve loses another important person in his life, so he tried to focus on positive emotions whenever he sees her.

However when Steve opened the door, he still couldn’t help chewing on his inner cheek. The dark haired young woman in his memories who always stood in a strict posture was replaced by a slumping figure on the sick bed. He walked closer to the bed as the old lady looked towards him with a trembling smile. Even though her smile was still warm and welcoming, the wrinkles around her dimmed eyes and the whiteness of her hair made him curl his fingers into a tight, angry fist.

“Steve! I thought I told you to shave the last time you came here.”

It must be his lucky day, since Peggy didn’t remember his visits often. He placed a small curve to his lips as he sat next to the bed and poured a cup of water for Peggy. “I’m sorry, I promise I will shave next time. You are looking great today!”

He handed the cup to Peggy and struggled to suppress a frown. She tried to hide her exhaustion as she took the cup and put it against her lips, but Steve saw the little tremors from her fingers as she hold the cup with both of her hands. He made a mental note to get some straws the next time and listened to her stories from SHIELD as Peggy slumped back into the bed.

\---

Another month went by with the days passing like any other. He watched TV, worked out, visited Peggy, did some research on things Peggy mentioned that he didn't understand, and another day passed.

Steve tried to work as hard as possible whenever he goes to the gym. It’s not just because this is the only thing he can do now, but it’s the only time he feels like himself when the adrenaline pumped in his body. The rush in his veins was so similar to the rush he had when he was leading a group of soldiers at war. He punched hard as memories from before flashed back into his mind.

 

**Left Punch**.

_As he kicked the door open, his pounding heart stopped beating at the sight in front of him. There was only a light in the middle of the room, but his eye immediately caught the man on the steel table. The figure was mumbling incoherently and its noise was covered up by the loud dripping of blood_ _that was_ _dribbling down from the table to the floor._

_Surrounded by the dark crimson, Bucky’s pale body stood out and was the only thing Steve could see in the concealed room._

_Steve trembled as he stepped into small pools of blood and walked towards Bucky. His Bucky was_ _strapped_ _tightly to the steel table with his eyes shut. He didn’t seem to hear Steve’s soft calls for him as he remained stiff with an expression of pain, while reciting his service number._

_“Bucky. It’s me, it’s Steve.”_

_When Bucky finally opened his eyes, Steve let out a s_ _huddering_ _gasp_ _of relief. He felt his eyes watering but he didn’t want to blink the tears away. He was so afraid that Bucky would shut his eyes when Steve wasn’t looking and never open them again._

_“Steve…?”_

_Steve snapped the buckles open with his eyes still locked on Bucky’s face. Bucky seemed tired and confused, and Steve realized that Bucky has not yet seen him since the serum. He lifted Bucky up from the table and gave him a gentle pat on his back._

_“Steve_ _!_ _”_

_The man’s brow arched up with surprise when he finally recognized the face. His lips stretched wide to a familiar grin and his eyes gleamed bright with glee. Steve placed his forehead lightly on Bucky’s shoulder and took a few long, trembling breaths. The scent of blood and sweat made him nauseous, but he kept himself surrounded in Bucky’s musk while Bucky rubbed his hair with affection._

_Steve couldn’t keep his voice steady anymore._

_“I thought you were dead.”_

_The caress on his head stopped, and Steve felt an arm pushing him away from the body he was holding to. He held on tightly but immediately backed away at Bucky’s pained cough. Steve was starting to panic when Bucky held his face with both of his hands. The man placed his forehead against Steve’s and stroke Steve’s tightened jaws with his thumbs._

_"Breathe with me Steve, you can do it."_

_Steve focused on the soothing touch and intense gaze while he followed Bucky's pace of breathing and took in Bucky's scent once more. After a while, he felt himself calming down, and Bucky gave him a soft rub on his neck along with a bright grin._

_“I thought you were smaller.”_

 

**Right Punch**.

_He was running and shooting on the battlefield when suddenly a bullet went under his shield and flew directly through his left lower arm. Without hesitation, he threw his shield straight towards the direction the bullet was from and dodged into a trench. He tied a piece of cloth above his wound to hopefully slow down the bleeding when Bucky jumped into the trench, landing_ _right_ _next to Steve. In his hand, he held a shield with a huge star in the center. The red and blue stripes can barely be seen under all the dust._

_“You better keep an eye on your weapon, soldier. Stark would be so pissed off if you lost it. Or maybe he had a tracker somewhere in this thing so he can always find it.”_

_Bucky was puffing with a huge smile on his face. The smile quickly turned into a frown as he saw Steve’s self-made bandage. “Hey Steve, I know you recover fast now but you are not gonna get out of this trench without me next to you, you hear me?”_

_Steve felt himself smiling at Bucky’s concerned look and took the shield back. A warm glow enveloped his chest when Bucky bickered back at him for looking so 'smug'._

 

**Left Punch**.

_The cold wind hit his face as the blast wrecked the train wall. Steve fell down, his shield was thrown across the floor, and he struggled to stand up from the shock. Bucky immediately picked up his shield from behind to cover them from the enemy’s fire but was shot out of the hole from the force. Steve’s face went pale as he saw Bucky fly out of the train. His strength returned to him instantly and he threw the shield at the enemy with_ _an enraged_ _roar._

_As soon as the figure fell down, Steve dashed towards Bucky. Bucky was clinging onto a rail outside of the train and Steve started climbing towards him. At this moment he forgot about the mission of finding Zola, he forgot about how high the train was at. He could only see Bucky hanging off from the train, and he needed to save his best friend._

_“Bucky! Hang on!”_

_Steve was still an arm away from Bucky when all of a sudden, one end of the rail came loose. Bucky’s eyes widened as he gasped and stared into Steve’s eyes, pained and frightened._

_“Grab my hand!”_

_Steve choked up and howled as the entire rail came off of the train. Bucky was screaming with his hands reached out towards Steve, his body jerking violently in the cold air as he dropped further down. Steve felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore as Bucky became a small spot, disappearing into the deep valleys. He had never felt so cold and alone before._

_It was the first time he had a panic attack without Bucky by his side._

 

**Right punch**.

_He has just defeated Schmidt. He should be crying of joy or celebrating with someone. The war with HYDRA is going to be over._

_Yet his life is going to be over too._

_“I gotta put her to the water.”_

_Steve thought he was going to have another episode when he said that, but except from the_ _hard_ _pounding of his heart, he has never felt so calm before. He guess he always expected himself to die_ _at war_ _, so he wasn’t really afraid when he turned the plane towards the Arctic. Peggy was trying to persuade him to wait for_ _assistance_ _, but he knew_ _that_ _they didn’t have enough time._

_Peggy will find a better man than him. Steve sighed as he looked at the clouds. Many soldiers in his base loved and respected her, and there are a lot of great men among them._

_He wondered if Bucky would take care of her._

_Steve shut his eyes tightly as Bucky’s pale, frightened face appeared in his mind. The stirring of fear and anxiety returned and swallowed him up in a gulp. As he clenched hard onto the chair, he realized that his panic attacks were never about his own pain or fear: it was about the pain or fear of losing the important people in his life._

 

**Left punch**.

 

The punching bag flew across the room and landed on the ground with a loud thump. Steve blinked hard as he returns to reality and became aware that the bandage on his hand has been loose for a long time. His stared at his red, swollen knuckles while trying to slow down his panting.

He was alone in a gym that was operated by SHIELD. The gym was always empty when Steve was in there, so when a pair of footsteps echoed behind him, Steve turned in alarm.

“Trouble sleeping?”

Steve wondered if Fury was worrying about his condition or if he was just trying out a lame joke.

He answered anyways, “I have been sleeping for 70 years, Sir.”

Nick Fury then threw him a debriefing packet and told him about the Tesseract. Steve huffed in frustration as he turned the pages over and read through the mission file. Ambition surely can be the path to success, but most often it misguides one’s path when it’s too huge. After what happened to Schmidt, shouldn’t SHIELD be more careful with the Tesseract? He wondered what kind of ambition SHIELD had in mind when they started to work on the Tesseract in the first place.

Whatever ambition they held, he would still assist SHIELD in retrieving the Tesseract and Fury knew that. It didn’t bother Steve too much though; after all, it did kill many people seventy years ago, and he would not allow it to kill more.

\---

He met agent Natasha Romanoff soon after he agreed to join the mission. She reminded him of young Peggy, smart and charming, but with a different mask on to protect herself. If Peggy hid her feminine side so she can survive in the army of men, agent Romanoff never hid her femininity, but instead used it as one of her skills. Sometimes the 20th century comforts Steve with its acceptance to ideas that were bizarre at his time. He understood that this didn’t mean that everyone were as open-minded though, so he nodded at the agent and called her “Ma’am.”

They met Dr Bruce Banner on the way to see Fury. The man didn’t look like he fit in with the agents around him; he wore a blazer that was oversized, and gave a shy nod towards Steve and Natasha after he inspected the area around him with caution. Steve saw the resemblance of despair behind the soft smiles. People have been trying to remake the serum used on Steve, but they never succeeded. Some has invented serum that was useless, others have created serums with horrible effects. Dr. Banner was one of the unfortunate people. By looking into his hollow eyes, Steve could see how much this man has been through. He could sense the misery of the man and he wondered if Banner has ever thought about death.

The group went into the Helicarrier and was welcomed by Fury. Banner left halfway to do research on the Tesseract while Steve stayed with Fury to act upon any sudden orders. They immediately found out that Loki had made an appearance in Germany. Even though Steve had a weird feeling about this since it was quite obvious that Loki wasn’t trying to hide, Steve and Romanoff was sent off to capture Loki.

In spite of knowing how advanced technology is nowadays, Steve was still surprised to arrive at Germany in such a short time. The skies were dark but the streets beneath were lit up, giving a clear view of the city. Steve looked down and soon saw a crowd of people at their target location. He squinted and noticed that the crowd was actually kneeling down to a man. The man, which Steve then recognized, was Loki. He wore a leather costume with shades of green and gold, and on his head a huge golden helmet with two horns curving backwards. Steve’s brow twitched a little and Romanoff gave him a little smirk, “And I thought your costume was flashy.”

As they got closer, Loki’s voice became clearer, and they eventually picked up on his speech, going on about how kneeling before him is the natural state of human. Romanoff snorted with an icy glare as Steve opened the entrance of the aircraft, and told him to be careful when he jumped out of the jet.

Steve landed right in front of an armless old man who was being attacked by Loki and he swiftly deflected the attack with his shield. When he looked up, the vengeance and desperation in Loki’s eyes lessened Steve’s anger. There are too many people who focus on their unfortunates and act upon it.

“Kneel.”

However, as he was forced on his knees with Loki’s sceptor on his head, he decided that no matter what the reason is behind Loki’s attack, he was still very annoyed by Loki’s disregard for life and freedom.

“Not today!” It took Steve more strength than he thought he would need as he pushed the sceptor away from his head. He threw the shield at Loki, which was blocked right away, and Steve moved a few steps backwards, hoping that the distance will hide his soft huffs. It had been a while since he fought someone directly, and Steve felt the frustration building up from his stomach as Loki narrowed his eyes in realization, giving Steve a devilish grin.

Right when Steve was about to attack, loud music filled up the place and suddenly, Loki was struck by a red beam of energy. Steve looked behind in a snap and saw a red, metal figure. The figure removed his head plate and revealed a smug face.

Steve could see the resemblance between this Stark and the Stark he knew. Just like his father, his entrance was extravagant. Steve smiled a little at Tony Stark’s suit. Perhaps he has surpassed his father’s narcissistic personality.

He then realized that this Stark also surpassed his father’s skill to irritate people and get on their nerves. Once they caught Loki and was on the way back to the Helicarrier, Stark started to make fun of his age.

“What’s your thing? Pilates?”

Steve scrunched his brows and opened his mouth slightly, confused by the sudden and weird change of topic. “What?”

The man gave dramatic sigh and said, “It’s like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle.”

Steve frowned at the self-satisfied expression on Stark’s face (it was later when he was told that Stark likes to make lame puns and it is a horrible habit that he cannot get rid of) when all in a sudden, a lightning struck the jet. Loki gave a visible shudder and Stark turned his attention towards Loki.

“What’s the matter? Scared of a little lightning?”

Loki quirked his lips, then all of a sudden, something heavy landed on top of the jet. The thump was accompanied by the roaring of thunder, making a few crew members cover their ears. There were no nearby aircrafts and Stark gave a small frown, “Now there’s that guy.”

Steve stood up and held his shield tightly, alarmed at the fact that the person above them may not be a normal human or a human at all. He tried to formulate a plan to avoid direct dispute with the thing that may have caused the lightning and thunder, but Stark went straight to the jet’s entrance and opened the door. Cold wind and rain poured into the jet, and a figure appeared next to Loki.

The figure looked like a male human, but was taller and larger than anyone on the jet. He wore a heavy costume like Loki, but a shade of red replaced the green. Unlike Loki, he didn’t carry a staff or wear a weird helmet. Instead, he held a hammer that was wrapped around his wrist, and with a swing of the hammer, he left the jet, bringing Loki with him.

Steve quickly tucked some knives in his pockets and gave Stark a hard glare as he growled with rage, “Stark, we need a plan of attack!”

Stark froze for a second and obviously heard his voice under the deafening thunder. However, he didn’t look Steve back in the eye though, as he waved without turning back and jumped out of the jet, “I have a plan. Attack.”

Steve gave a loud grunt and ran towards the entrance. He looked down the jet but couldn’t see anything in the rain. The cold and height made his stomach clench, and he snapped his eyes shut as a faint scream of his name echoed in his ears. Steve held a tight grip on the door frame, telling himself again and again that the scream was just from his head. He took a few deep breathes and jumped into the dark without any further hesitation.

Even with his mask on, the cold wind numbed his face and sealed his eyes shut. He spread his arms wide open and wondered if he would be struck by a lightning. He could only squint with force, and it was like falling into a bottomless pit with no walls. Suddenly, lightning flashed, and he saw a flinching body right beneath him. His breath started to quicken as the lightning passed by and the body disappeared, when Romanoff’s voice rang in his ears, “Captain! Open your parachute now! Open it right now!”

He was startled by the abrupt noise and quickly fumbled with his parachute. A lightning struck again, and he saw how close he was to the trees. The parachute opened right away and the force of his fall was weakened by the barrier of big trees, but he crashed onto the solid Earth with sharp branches drawing blood from him. His ears rang and he couldn’t hear his own breath panting as he gulped for air with pain, but he covered his mouthpiece anyways, knowing that there’s no one who can help him, not that he’d let anyone come down under this weather in the first place. When he finally felt his breath slowing down, he stood up, ignoring the pain from his chest and the cuts on his flesh, and sprinted towards the direction where the lightning was striking.

\---

In spite of the interruption from Thor, they managed to imprison Loki in the helicarrier. Loki’s casual smirk and relaxed posture made Steve nervous, knowing that Loki wouldn’t surrender so easily.

As Fury brought Loki to the glass cage, the team listened to their conversation in a briefing room. Steve stared into the screen as Fury interrogated Loki, though he couldn’t help but think that Fury was the one being interrogated.

“It’s an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me.”

On the monitor, Loki was standing with his arms at his back, looking at Fury with his chin instead of his eyes. Steve could sense how annoyed Fury was just by listening to his voice, “It was built for something a lot stronger than you.”

Steve rubbed his neck uneasily as Loki looked straight into the camera and chuckled. The atmosphere in the room was intense, and through the corner of his eyes, Steve could see Banner fidgeting with his glasses.

The conversation continued under the uncomfortable silence, and even though Steve knew that Loki was trying to create mistrust and tension between the members and SHIELD, he was unable to stop his suspicion towards SHIELD. What was SHIELD’s original plan with the Tesseract? Was SHIELD as “righteous” as they say they were?

As soon as the discussion ended, Steve turned towards the team while Banner muttered something about Loki. With SHIELD’s aim pushed aside, Steve only intended to retrieve the Tesseract and finish his mission. If SHIELD turns out to use the Tesseract as a weapon or something that would end the peace he had, he would perhaps hide himself with the Tesseract for another seventy years.

Therefore, his plan was to figure out where the Tesseract was at, and to do this, he would need to know what Loki planned to do with it.

He didn’t really get much useful information from Thor except for the name of an alien army (which, to be honest, wasn’t exactly helpful) and that Loki planned to rule the Earth. After a short discussion that didn’t exactly lead anywhere, the team scattered off and decided to form a strategy after they do more research on the power of Loki’s sceptor.

\---

He was strolling around after a workout, still thinking about the reason to why Loki surrendered without much struggling, when he saw Stark poking Banner with an electrical rod.

“Hey! Are you nuts?”

Steve barged in and stared at Stark with shock and annoyance, and when Stark ignored him and continued talking to Banner, Steve couldn’t take it anymore. He slammed his fists on the table, “Is everything a joke to you?”

Stark took a glance at him, picked up a bag of dry fruits and started eating it with his eyes glued to the package, “Funny things are.”

“Threatening the safety of everyone on this ship isn’t funny.” Steve glared at Stark for his comeback, and paused at his burst of anger. The irritation stirred in him like a storm, and it was worsened by the memory of their past conversation. He forced himself to suppress his anger and turned towards Banner, “Um, no offense, doctor.”

Stark pouted as he looked back up and passed the bag of food to Banner, “You’re tiptoeing, big man. You need to strut.”

Trying not to hit the table again, Steve clasped his hands behind his back and said coldly, “And you need to focus on the problem, Mr. Stark.”

Stark retorted with a snort, “You think I’m not? Why did Fury call us and why now? Why not before? What isn’t he telling us? I can’t do the equation unless I have all the variables.”

Steve tried hard not to think about SHIELD’s intention with the Tesseract, so he told Stark to follow the orders given by SHIELD. As expected, Stark didn’t listen to him and gave him a shrug, “Following is not really my style.”

He couldn’t understand how Stark could still joke around in such a serious situation, and with a combination of annoyance and disappointment boiling up inside, he smiled at Stark and said, “And you’re all about style, aren’t you?”

Stark narrowed his eyes and a shade of red covered his neck, “Of the people in this room, which one is wearing a spangly outfit and not of use?”

There was a painful silence in the room and Steve clenched his teeth while feeling heat spreading on his face. It has been a long time since he felt embarrassed and angry because of his incapability of protecting something, and the same shame grew over him as he stood in a lab with pieces of equipment that he didn’t know the name or use of. It made him feel small under Stark’s gaze, and that made him extremely uncomfortable. Banner pushed up his glasses and coughed in the silence, “Steve, tell me none of this smells a little funky to you?”

Stark rolled his eyes and stiffly turned back to the monitor without saying a word. Banner rubbed his neck and gave Steve a small shrug. Steve felt his chest constrict as he realized that his appearance in this room wasn’t just insignificant, it was pointless.

“… Just find the cube.”

He walked out of the lab, not looking back at their reaction. The feeling of being useless wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t something he hasn’t experienced before. He was, after all, Captain America; if this shortfall defeated him, he wouldn’t be the one who took down HYDRA seventy years ago. His confidence returned as he left the room, and with slight hesitation, Steve turned towards the warehouse where he remembered that stacks of mission files were stored there.

\---

Finding out about the Phase 2 plan shouldn’t be too shocking but nonetheless, it was a huge disappointment. Steve thought that SHIELD would be an organization that aimed to protect people and stop war, not create war. As the tension between the team rose, his anxiety hit him hard like a sharp slap. He should never have expected to be back in a team like the old days. Maybe he would never have the chance of finding someone trustworthy like Bucky again.

The room was too hot and Steve felt his breaths quicken. The noises around him were too loud and the ceiling looked like it was going to collapse. He looked around the room, seeing angry faces and something that was glowing bright blue.

“You need to step away.”

Fury’s voice rang in his ear. Steve needed to turn his entire body to see Fury staring at Banner. His neck wasn’t supporting his head and he needed to hang onto the counter to keep balance.

Stark suddenly put his arm around Steve, “Why shouldn’t the guy let off a little stream?

The touch wasn’t even aggressive, but Steve felt frustration bubbling in his chest. The irritation finally exploded from his chest to his head as he pushed Stark away with too much force, and snarled, “Back off!”

The push made Stark tumble and hit his back on a nearby counter. The man widened his eyes with disbelief and immediately stepped forwards furiously, coming face-to-face with Steve.

“Oh, I’m starting to want you to make me.”

Steve’s face went dark as he balled his hands into fists. He felt his veins popping up as his blood flowed rapidly. Stark’s voice was so loud in his ears he could only focus on his words. Their earlier conversation came into his mind, and he stopped retaining his annoyance anymore. Steve pointed a finger on Stark’s shoulder and barked, “Big man in a suit of armor; take that off and what are you?”

“Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.”

“I know guys with none of that worth ten of you.”

With the room tilting and spinning, Steve could only see Stark’s face in the center of his vision. He could see Howard’s face overlapping the face in front of him, and with a forceful blink, it returned to Tony Stark. He stared a little harder and shook his head at the illusion. His mind and body were now playing tricks with him; he must calm himself down before whatever that’s happening to him gets worse.

“You know, you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero.”

“A hero? Like you? You’re a lab rat, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle.”

“Put on the suit, let’s go a few rounds.”

The computer started to bleep, but it sounded like it came from a distance. Steve squinted at the screen that was right next to him and leaned to the counter, feeling disoriented. He tried to look around but everything seemed to be unfocused.

“Located the Tesseract?” “I can get there faster.”

He could see Stark turning to leave, and, using all his strength, Steve pulled himself up from the counter to stop him.

“You’re not going alone!”

Stark’s figure was blurred, but his voice was sharp and clear. “You gonna stop me? I’m not afraid to hit an old man.”

Steve grabbed the shirt in front of him and growled, “Put on the suit, let’s find out.”

All of a sudden, the Helicarrier started to shake, throwing everyone onto the ground. Steve’s vision cleared up as his back hit the counter, but the crash made his head spin even harder.

“Put on the suit!” He stood up with the help of the counter, pulling Stark with him. The ringing in his ear started to fade as they sprinted towards the door, but once they got out of the lab, his stomach started to clench. The hallway started to shrink in front of his eyes, and he was forced to stop and lean on the wall. He felt a hand on his shoulder and a panicked voice behind him.

“Oh my god, are you okay? Did you hit something just now where does it hurt hey cap I can get JARVIS to check on you…”

“I’m fine. It’s the sce-sceptor. Put on the suit. I’ll catch up.”

Stark was still talking but the aircraft was hit again, this time tilting to one side. Steve took a deep breath and turned to Stark’s concerned face.

“They need you… at the engine.” He swallowed another breath and pushed Stark deeper into the hallway, “You’re not g-going alone. I’ll catch up.”

The man hesitated but ran into the hallway. Steve turned to the wall once the man disappeared into the corner and vomited until only clear liquid was coming out from his mouth. He sank to his knees as he heaved again. The acidic taste filled his mouth, and Steve squeezed his eyes shut till the world stopped spinning.

There was no one around him, and the only sound in the hallway was the speaker and the alarm. Steve patted on his face a few times till it stung, and stood up with a hand pressing onto the wall in the flashing red lights. The aircraft was still compromised and he could not waste any second resting.

\---

Their teamwork turned out to be fine when they stop criticizing each other, but in the end Loki left the aircraft with high casualties and great damages.

Agent Coulson died while trying to stop Loki from escaping. When Steve picked up Coulson’s collection of Captain America trading cards, the blood on the card was still bright and it burned his eyes.

The team was united because of grief and rage. Steve wasn’t sure if he was happy to finally find a team when they were so determined at avenging. He has seen too many people blinded by revenge who were never satisfied.

He got to understand more about his team members though. Indeed, Stark can still be irritating, but Steve realized that this man has never really been in a war before. His impression of Howard covered Stark in the beginning of their interaction and Steve overlooked the obvious defence Stark held against everyone he met. Or maybe he just liked to mess people up and watch their reaction. Steve decided that Stark was still a jerk, but at least he could be reliable when things got serious.

On the way to stop Loki from bringing an army of Chitauri, he met agent Clint Barton the first time and saw the guilt behind his eyes. Steve patted him on the back and gave him a small, comforting smile when they were getting onto a plane with Romanoff. Barton stammered and gave him a nod. Steve knew that Barton still felt responsible for the casualties, so he just hoped that the knot inside Barton would be less tight when they defeat the Chitauri and capture Loki.

When they reached the Stark Tower, a bright column of blue light was shone above the Tower, reaching to the sky. In the end of the column, there was a portal that spit out thousands of flying figures. The figures dispersed across the sky and soon, explosions spread across the streets.

The jet was forced down as Loki fired at one of its wings. Steve ran out of the jet with Romanoff and Barton as a leviathan flew above them. Steve shook off his fear and initial state of shock as an army of Chitauri soldiers ran towards them.

Steve blocked the bullets and the three of them started to join the battle. Romanoff’s moves and Barton’s aim were quite impressive, making Steve smile a little as he turned around to strike the Chitauri behind them, leaving his back to the two agents.

The army of Chitauri seemed to keep coming though, and Steve looked up to the portal as the rest of the team finally came together. It felt nice to be on a battlefield with people who can stand next to you and fight with you, but the amount of Chitauri flying out from the portal ruined Steve’s good mood.

Despite them being united, the portal was still open and there were more enemies than them. He could hear some of his members panting and swearing, and the fight seemed to last forever. His attention was getting distracted as the crowd of Chitauri got bigger and bigger, and just as he got struck by an energy blast that caused a bleeding wound on his waist, Romanoff shouted, “I can close it! I can close the portal down!”

Steve sighed in relief as he blocked another shot. He was about to say something along the lines of “Yes just close it already” when Stark notified them that a timed nuclear missile was coming and he can steer it into the portal.

Of course he wasn’t asking for approval of his plan, which annoyed Steve a little bit, even though he couldn’t think of a better way to deal with the missile. It was still a reckless move, and Steve couldn’t hide his worry when he snapped his head upwards and saw the man flying straight towards the portal, gripping a missile from behind. The red figure turned into a dark spot as it went higher and disappeared into the portal.

All of a sudden, the Chitauris who were still shooting Steve stopped their fire and fell down. Steve’s shield fell on the floor as his hands trembled; he was exhausted and just wanted to lie down and rest, but he kept standing with his gaze at the portal. There was no sign of Stark but the supernova started to come through the portal.

The team was waiting for his order.

“Close it.”

He regretted the arguments he had with Stark and the criticisms toward the man. Steve rubbed his face tiredly, letting out a pained moan. In the three days, he hasn’t even told Stark about his father, about how his father always wanted but never succeeded in building a flying car, about how his father was just as clever and confident as he is. He looked up at the portal one last time, and saw a red spot plummeting.

Steve let out a huge smile and ran towards the falling figure, which was caught by the Hulk, stopping him from crashing straight to the Earth. He just defeated an army of aliens and no one in his team died from the attack. His luck must have returned to him after seventy years.

Time went by quickly afterwards, and when Steve realized that he was being pushed into a seat, he was in shawarma joint for lunch.

He looked around the table of people as they talked and joked about the fight. Stark sat behind him and gave him a wink, telling him not to call him “Stark” anymore since Steve always called his dad “Stark”. Thor was sipping his soda with a satisfied look and listing out a few drinks he tried on Earth that Steve must taste. Romanoff and Banner were chewing their shawarma in silence as Barton joined Thor in listing food that must be eaten in a person’s lifetime.

Steve bit into the shawarma with a tiny curve on his lips as he finally found a sense of peace he has missed so much since he woke up from the ice.

 

\---

 

Soon after the lunch, Thor and Loki went back to Asgard with the Tesseract. Romanoff and Barton left for another mission while Banner followed Stark to continue whatever science experiments they had in mind. Steve waved at the member as they left, and realized that he was alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sooo much for reading! I hope you guys enjoyed it :DDDD  
> I promise Bucky will actually appear next chapter ahaha I have most of the stuff written down but I haven't linked them up or checked for plot holes yet... but it's there!!!  
> The flow of this chapter is a bit weird because I wanted to write Steve when he just woke up but I also can't wait to have Bucky out in the next chapter so I kinda rushed things for a bit... THE FLOW WILL BE A BIT BETTER NXT CHAP WHEN BUCKY APPEARS IM SORRY  
> And of course THANK YOU FOR MY DEAR BETAS!! Nat and Jen you guys are the best :)
> 
> Ps. I'm hiddleshug on tumblr for those who might want to find me :D againnnn thank you so much for reading


	2. Lot of Fights, Lot of Scars

Steve started working at SHIELD as a part-time agent.

Peggy persuaded him to do so after she saw him on the news and heard about his adventure. Though to be honest, a part of Steve always wanted to go back to SHIELD ever since the team defeated the Chitauri. He doesn’t enjoy violence, but being with a group of people whom you can rely on created a sense of belonging that he really missed.

“Hey Cap, do you know there are like tons of fake twitter accounts of you? I actually followed a few of them and I’m pretty sure there are SHIELD agents stalking you and secretly taking pictures of you. Wait, do you know what twitter is?”

Steve was with Clint on a mission to retrieve some extra-terrestrial object that Steve doesn’t remember the name of. According to the mission file, it’s just a crystal orb that shines without using any energy to operate on. The mission shouldn’t be too difficult but since both of them were free, Fury decided to give them something to do so they don’t “rot their asses”.

They were on a small jet with a few other agents sitting at the back of the aircraft. The view outside was lovely as they flew across a series of mountains. The land was covered with a dense layer of green woods and a silver stream ran along the deep valley. Small clumps of clouds floated below them, forming a thin barrier between the natural landscape and the mechanic device.

The jet reached a plain field and they immediately spotted a shining globe lying in the mud. The agents went off the jet and retrieved the palm-sized orb with precaution. As expected, no odd events occurred and the orb just laid still in the black suitcase, so the team returned to the aircraft and headed towards the SHIELD Headquarter. Steve made a mental note to find out about twitter as Clint explained why he must watch Breaking Bad.

\---

Clint has always been the one who did the talking when he was with Steve. He turned out to be a very bright fellow after he came out from the shadow of being brainwashed by Loki. He was outgoing, friendly, and energetic; a person you would go to when you are in a low mood because he would cheer you up in no time. Steve wondered how Clint and Natasha can be such great friends when they are so different, but perhaps their difference is why they fit each other like hand and glove; they have an atmosphere of trust and comfort just like the one he shared with Bucky.

He got to see Tony and Bruce sometimes. Even though they weren’t official SHIELD agents, they have been offering help whenever things got too out of hand. Tony always said that he was there for fun, but Steve has seen his insecure and vulnerability through his shaking hands after each fights. Sometimes Steve might even be there for his panic attacks, though they never talked about it. Tony has been doing better since he destroyed his Iron Man suits and removed the Arc Reactor, and yet he disappears whenever horrible injuries happen during fights.

Bruce looked livelier since he started working with Tony. He always told Steve that he preferred curing people in need because it calms him down while saving people in his own form. He must not have realized how peaceful he looks when he works in the labs, making use of the knowledge he has worked all his life on.

Steve still visited Peggy once per week. Her health condition hasn’t really improved and the signs of dementia has gradually worsened in the two years, but she was doing pretty well for a ninety seven year old. When she does remember his visits, she would look at him with affection and something else he couldn’t identify. It made him feel so naked and exposed under her gaze as she told him how much happier he looks.

“I am glad that you found something to keep you alive.”

Steve ducked his head shamefully with his neck flushed, like a child who got caught stealing from the cookie jar.

“Even if I forget about things now and then, I would know the look of you being happy, Steve.”

Peggy lifted her hand and placed it on Steve’s cheeks. He leaned into the palm and clung onto it with both of his hands as she let out a soft sigh.

“It’s been about three years now, are you sure you haven’t met anyone yet? Even if you don’t tell me, I will find out.”

“Peggy, I’m not your grandson.” Steve chuckled, and wondered if he will ever pursue a romantic relationship like a normal person.

\---

Clint and Natasha have been exceptionally enthusiastic about finding him a date after they found out about his relationship with Peggy. They have been shoving him CVs of their female colleagues, taking people’s stationeries and telling Steve to give it back to the person because “they are busy”, and posting pictures of him working out on the SHIELD’s forum (which Steve doesn’t go on to; he has been warned by Bruce that it’s not a good idea, the same goes to Twitter). They have even sent him a few pictures of strangers they met on the street and told him not to worry because they did a thorough background check.

“You know, if you’re not into girls, that Sam Wilson seems pretty cute.”

“What?!” Steve stared at Natasha, wide-eyed. They were on a mission to rescue a group of people from SHIELD who were unfortunately held as hostages by a group of pirates. Natasha gave him a smug grin and wiggled her eyebrow, “Just saying. If you aren’t into him, I would ask him out.”

The STRIKE team behind them snickered and Steve rubbed his face with a huge sigh. “No Nat, I’m not gay. I just, don’t have the time to go on dates.”

“Well, he does have a really nice ass.” She gave him a wink and turned back to her phone, “I guess I have a date tonight then.”

“What? When did you even get his number?” Steve laughed in astonishment as he tucked some bandage into his waist pocket. It has always been a habit he does before fighting that he kept since the war; even if the wounds or cuts are deep, as long as they aren’t too serious, he can’t just lie down and rest while the others cover for him.

The last time he lay down and let someone cover him, his best friend died.

The mission went smooth in the beginning, but it was nearly jeopardized when he found out that Natasha was given another assignment without his acknowledgement. He didn’t speak to anyone on the way back to the Headquarter. Steve reminded himself not to be angry with Natasha since she was ordered to keep her assignment classified; but no matter how hard he tried not to think about it, he couldn’t push away the idea that he cannot be trusted.

The next day, Steve went to find Fury to ask for an explanation. It turned out that SHIELD never ceased their idea of the Phase 2 project even though the Avengers performed pretty well in protecting Earth. They named the program Project Insight, and Steve immediately knew that it was a bad idea. Steve could only imagine fear in people’s hearts if it happens. Chaos will also occur once the project lands on bad hands, and despite how SHIELD has been protecting people, Steve wasn’t sure if the primary aim of this project would remain when SHIELD gains so much power.

“After New York, I convinced the World Security Council we need a quantum surge in threat analysis. For once, we’re way ahead of the curve.”

Steve stared at the Helicarrier in front of him. It was similar to the one he was on during the Battle of New York but it was designed more like a weapon than an aircraft. Its size is much bigger, its features are much more advanced, and its weapons are much more lethal.

He turned to Fury and scowled at his proud stance. “By holding a gun to everyone on Earth and calling it protection?”

The man took a glance at him and clasped his hands behind his back. “You know, I read those SSR files.”

Steve’s lips tightened and he glared to track Fury’s expression. If his past and existence is Fury’s argument for creating a weapon for protection, then his argument is not leading anywhere.

“We compromised. Sometimes in ways that made us not sleep so well” Thinking about all the dreamless nights after Bucky’s fall, Steve felt something coiling and contracting within his chest. Bucky wasn’t the only sacrifice in the war, there were thousands of other comrades who died for victory. Maybe there sacrifices were inevitable, but guilt always consumed him with the thought of victory. Steve’s voice grew louder as he continued, “But we did it so that people could be free. This isn’t freedom. This is fear.”

Fury scrunched his brows at Steve’s tone, “SHIELD takes the world as it is, not as we’d like it to be. And it’s getting damn near past time for you to get with that program, Cap.”

Steve left the Headquarter after their short conversation. It was obvious that Fury wouldn’t change his mind on the program. Steve wondered if he would continue to work for SHIELD when their visions are so different. He could always go back to the army, he’s pretty sure Colonel Rhodes would be glad to have him. Even if he said no, Steve got enough money from the military pension, and he wouldn’t feel as numb as before since he started to fit into the new world around him.

He was still angry about Project Insight, but he was only an agent. Steve sighed as he headed towards the museum dedicated to him, what is so special about being Captain America when you are really just a soldier?

The museum was full of people. They were all of different ages, different genders, and different races. Some were here for a history class, some were here because it brings up memories, some were here to look at a tour site that was highly recommended on the TIMES Magazine. The museum didn’t have much personal information about him, since he wasn’t well known before the serum and his only childhood friend died before he did, but there were many photos and footages of him when he was still on tour.

“Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield. Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service of his country.”

Steve looked at the looping footages of him and Bucky fighting side by side. Bucky has always been well-known and well-respected in their unit. Even after Steve became Captain America, people went to Bucky because they relied and trusted him. He wasn’t a man-made soldier like Steve; he was born to be a soldier who deserves all the applause and admiration. He accomplished as much as Steve accomplished with his own strength, and was the only few who always caught up with Steve when they were fighting against HYDRA. If Steve never became Captain America, maybe Bucky would have his own museum.

Steve lingered around a bit longer as he looked at all the old footages of himself. The war was never simple, there were always strategies that are brutal, and there were always ideas of preventing war to happen. But there are so many examples of how things can become a disaster when prevention is done wrongly. Steve might have brought victory with the serum, but Schmidt was the first product of the serum and the reason why Captain America existed. Life is not always a fairytale, what if Project Insight ends up with another Schmidt instead of another Steve?

The possible tragedy made him shiver. Steve decided to leave this place with old memories to freshen his mind. The museum was in the same district as Peggy’s retirement home. Though he didn’t want to bother Peggy with his troubles, his worries for Project Insight stuck to him and made his skin itch. SHIELD has been the work of her life, has it always plan such forceful protections before wars even happen? What if the project has been planned when Peggy was still in SHIELD? How should he respond if this project was recognized by Peggy?

He turned the door knob with slight hesitation, deciding that he will leave if Peggy was asleep. Unfortunately, Peggy was watching TV and caught the glimpse of Steve as he peeked into the room.

“Steve! Shouldn’t you be working?”

“Peggy.” Steve rubbed his neck and entered the room with a sigh, “I deserve a day-off after the mission yesterday.”

He pressed a soft kiss on her forehead and sat down on the chair next to her bed. He felt a lot calmer as Peggy combed through his hair.

“Tell me about it, captain.”

He told her about the mission and, after her sharp gaze at his abrupt pause, the concealment from Natasha and his concern towards Project Insight.

“For as long as I can remember, I just wanted to do what was right. I guess… I’m not quite sure what that is anymore.” Steve rubbed his face in exhaustion. Even though the war was over 70 years ago, he could still hear the sound of explosion and cries in his ears. It has only been 70 years, how can people already forget about the bloodshed and grief? It is caused by the suppression of freedom, and even if SHIELD is using it as a form of protection, pointing a weapon at everyone’s head is just not right. “This is just like Schmidt, and if it’s in the wrong hands, it won’t be protecting, it will be threatening. People fought for their freedom, they shouldn’t have died for nothing, Peggy.”

Peggy’s patting on his head ceased. She lifted his chin up and looked at him with her lips curving down at the ends. “The world has changed and no one can go back. Sometimes all we can do is to start over.”

The words made him drew blood from his palms. His body shook as Peggy resumed patting his head, and he looked down to his hard-clenched fist, “I know but… I survived when no one did. Remembering him… Remembering the grief is the least I can do.”

He placed a hand on his chest where his heart was beating, strongly and steadily. “I can learn to live in the present, but I will not forget about the past. Even if I will be the only one left, I will fight for our belief, our freedom.”

Peggy’s patting broke off at one point. He glanced up to see her with her eyes closed. His heartbeat grew to a rapid and irregular pace, but she opened her eyes the moment he was about to press on the emergency button.

“Steve…?”

The woman looked at him in disbelief and awe. Steve saw his frightened expression in her eyes and forced himself to plaster a smile on his face.

“You’re alive! It’s been so long.” Peggy reached out to his arm as she sobbed and shuddered. Steve fell back to the chair, tingling with a sense of relief and misery.

“Well, I couldn’t leave my best girl. Not when she owes me a dance.”

\---

It was still noon; the sun was up but it was covered by a thick layer of clouds. There wasn’t much wind outside, and yet Steve shivered as he walked on the streets. Maybe his persistence in keeping the past memories and morals is going to keep him bound to the past, perhaps he should just drop his opinion on wars and follow orders from the higher rank. But whenever he thinks of all the deaths from the war, and to live on without carrying their beliefs of freedom with him, he felt guilt and despair. Bucky shouldn’t have died for nothing.

He was wandering around the neighborhood, not wishing to go home so early when he passed by the Department of Veterans Affairs. It was the building Sam Wilson told him to visit when he had the time, and since Steve couldn’t think of anything else to do, he entered the building to look for Wilson.

He found Wilson holding a meeting with a group of veterans. There was a man speaking and except from his voice, the room was quiet. Steve went into the room in silence and stood in the far corner.

“A cop pulled me over, he thought I was drunk. I swerved to miss a plastic bag ‘cause I thought… I-I thought it was an IED.”

Steve listened closely to each of the experiences shared by the people in the room. They were not always similar to the experiences Steve had, but he could relate to each and every one of them. The guilt was shared among them, and it deepens as time pass by. Wilson was giving out supporting comments and encouraging smiles, but the guilt was still in them, eating them up from the inside.

Time passed quickly as they went around the room. Steve hid in the background as Wilson asked if anyone else want to share, and the group was dismissed when no one answered. Wilson saw him though, and he gave a small wave as some people stayed to thank Wilson for hearing them out.

The man came towards Steve as the last person left the room. “Look who it is!.”

Steve came out of the corner and shook his hand. “I listened to the last few minute. It’s pretty intense.”

“Yes, we all got the same problems. Guilt, regret.”

They left the room as another group of people went in. He hasn’t known Sam Wilson for long, but the talking inside the room made Steve feel relaxed with this man. He may have been through what all the veterans in the room have experienced, but he has been strong about it to listen to all these stories with compassion and empathy.

“Have you lost someone?”

“My wingman, Riley. Flew a night mission; a standard operation rescue. Nothing we hadn’t done a thousand times before. Until an RPG knocked his dumb ass out of the sky. Nothing I could do. It’s like I was up there just to watch. After that, I had a really hard time finding a reason for being over there, you know?”

He wondered when can he talk freely about Bucky, and when can he think about him without panicking. His episodes haven’t been as frequent as before; he might still panic sometimes when he thinks about Bucky, but the team around him reminded Steve of the old days with his best friend and comrades. That stopped him from crawling back into the dark hole of loneliness.

“But you are happy now, back in the world?”

Steve shook himself out of his own thoughts and gave Wilson a grin, “There’s no one now who give me orders.”

Wilson laughed and patted on his shoulders, “Of course not. Thinking of getting out?”

Steve paused at the question, thinking about the mission last night and the dispute between him and Fury. “To be honest, I don’t know what I would do with myself if I did.”

Wilson gave a small frown and squeezed his shoulders, “Seriously, you could do whatever you want to do. What makes you happy?”

He was happy to fight for his country, he was happy to be on the frontline and defeat enemies, he was happy to be with a team of people who shares his beliefs. He didn’t mind taking orders, but he didn’t want to follow it blindly. Being a colonel or something might be nice, but he didn’t feel the excitement he once had seventy years ago.

The question stuck to his mind like a leech that sucks greedily on the flesh of its host. Shouldn’t he be happy to fight for his country? What has changed that made his excitement vanish?

\---

He was still thinking about his conversation with Sam when he jogged back home. He has found the Avengers in SHIELD that reminded him of the old days with his best friend and comrades, but he suppose he can find a great team of people in the army too. He has become close with the agents in SHIELD though, and leaving the people he knows made him a bit nervous.

His neighbor was in front of her room when he reached his floor. She was young and beautiful, with eyes that shone bright like Peggy’s when she was young. Steve could actually see Peggy in her with the similar jaws and eyes; he wondered if he could ever find another person like Peggy.

He remembered Clint and Natasha’s urges these days and turned to see the girl struggling with her keys and a basket of laundry. Steve bit his lips and after a thought, turned towards the girl. “Hey, if you want, um, you’re welcome to use my machine? Might be cheaper than the one in the basement.”

The girl spun her head around with surprise while keeping the basket balanced on one of her leg skillfully, “Yeah? What’s it cost?”

Steve felt a nervous pang in his chest. He has only asked Peggy out ever since he got the serum, and he only got a kiss from her when he was going on a dangerous mission that might (and did) cause him his life.

“A cup of coffee?”

His neighbor widened her eyes and yelped as she turned back to her tilting basket. Steve let out a soft sigh and tried not to smack himself in the head. Even after the serum he is bad at talking with girls. And now his neighbor will be awkward around him and might hide whenever he comes out of his room.

“Thanks, but… I already have a load downstairs…” The girl gave him an apologetic smile, “and uh you really don’t want my scrubs in your machine, I just finished a rotation in the infectious disease ward, so…”

Steve forced himself to chuckle and put both his hands up, “I’ll keep my distance.”

“I hope not too far.” His neighbor curved her lips into a polite smile as she held the basket tightly. She moved back into the hallway and tilted her head, “Oh, I think you left your stereo on?”

Steve blinked at the sudden comment and nodded at the lady without showing his confusion. “Sure, thanks.” He watched the girl walk down the hallway and reached for his keys without making a sound. There is someone in his apartment without his knowledge, but the person isn’t hiding. He or she is either very stupid, or very confident.

Steve went back outside and climbed up to his apartment. He opened the window and stepped inside quietly. His room was dark and seemed exactly like how he left, but he was sure he doesn’t have this song in his collections. Steve muted his steps while hiding behind the wall and headed towards the source of the sound. With his shield on his hand, he sneaked a peek at the recorder and saw a familiar man sitting on his armchair.

Steve squinted his eyes and came out of the shadows.

“I don’t remember giving you a key.”

“You really think I’d need one?” Fury was slouching with a hand covering his waist. He typed into his phone with his eyes glued on Steve, “My wife kicked me out.”

Steve looked towards the phone the screen, which said “EARS EVERYWHERE”.

Steve moved closer towards the man, noticing the bandage under Fury’s hand. “I didn’t know you were married.”

“A lot of things you don’t know about me.”

Fury’s response made Steve frown and he immediately said, “I know, that’s the problem.” If Fury isn’t injured and the room isn’t bugged, Steve might grab him in the collar and shake him until he tells Steve what is going on. He can’t just break into Steve’s house and tell Steve that his house is compromised without an explanation.

“I’m sorry I have to do this, but I had no place else to crash.” Fury formed a bitter expression with his knitted brows as he typed into the phone with the other hand, “SHIELD COMPROMISED”.

Steve followed his expression, realizing that Fury might be betrayed by someone close, perhaps someone from SHIELD. The idea immediately reminded him of Project Insight, and he widened his eyes at the possibility that this project is what the attackers are after. Fury tapped on his lap silently to remind Steve that their conversation is being listened and the pause may cause suspicion.

Steve huffed from his nose, “Who else knows about your wife?”

“Just… my friends.” Fury stood up from the chair and walked towards Steve. Steve chewed on his lower lips as he read from the screen, “YOU AND ME.”

“Is that what we are?”

“That’s up to you.” Fury reached into his pocket and pulled out a USB stick. He passed it to Steve and nudged his chin towards Steve’s pocket. Steve stared at the device he caught and looked back to Fury to show his confusion. He knows what a USB is, but what was he supposed to do with it?

As Fury began to type into the phone, a shot was fired straight to his chest, accompanied by a loud shout of pain. Alarmed, Steve dragged Fury down to hide behind the walls. Fury was clenching tightly at the bullet wound with his free hand, but the dripping of his blood continued and it spread on the floor. He dropped his phone on the floor and grabbed Steve towards him, “Do not trust… anybody.”

A bang came from the door, followed by a set of hurried footsteps. Fury pushed Steve towards the corridor and fell back to the floor. He chest was still moving up and down but the rapid pace of his breath made Steve growl with panic. The footstep was coming closer and he had no time to aid Fury, so he got up furiously and ran towards the door with a lamp he grabbed from the nightstand.

“Captain Rogers?” The sound from the figure stopped him from smashing the lamp onto her head, and he gaped at the woman who is holding a gun with a trained posture.

Things happened so quickly then, and when the fact that he has been watched by SHIELD for over a year kicked in, he was on a rooftop, throwing his shield towards the shooter with full strength.

Steve was about to walk towards the man when the shield left his hand, but stopped abruptly as he saw the man catching the shield swiftly with a metal arm. It was dark outside, but Steve can see how the man didn’t even flinch when he grabbed the shield. His dark hair flew across his face, and Steve saw a huge mask that covered his identity. Steve could feel an icy glare from the man, and he widened his eyes as the man threw the shield back, causing Steve to shift backwards with the force.

The man jumped off from the rooftop and when Steve ran to look for him, he was gone without a trace.

The only signs that confirmed the man’s existence were the bullets that went through Fury.

\---

He was led to see Alexander Pierce right after Fury was sent to the hospital and announced dead. The man looked just the opposite of Fury: he had white hair and wrinkles around his eyes that softened his face, with a smile that radiated sincerity and warmth. The grey suit made him look friendlier than the agents, who left as soon as Steve stepped into the room.

“Captain, why was Nick in your apartment last night?”

Pierce was leaning on his chair with his hands steepling. Despite the posture, his brows were furrowed with concern and his lips were turned down at the corners. He seemed to genuinely care for Fury, but after Fury’s sudden death and warning, Steve wasn’t sure if he can trust this person.

Especially when he threatened Steve after Steve didn’t give him the answer he wanted.

He left the room as soon as Pierce gave him a smile; the smile didn’t reach his eyes and Steve started to worry about the status of SHIELD. If Fury is gone now, who will be in charge of SHIELD? What was in charge of SHIELD if Fury said that he can’t trust anyone?

With a glimpse at the armed agents standing in the hallway, Steve headed towards the elevator. He needed to leave here immediately and get the USB back. Whatever information it held, it’s apparently worth killing and dying for. He needed to get it before Pierce suspects him any further.

However, when the elevator opened, he knew that Pierce wasn’t planning to let him go even if he doesn’t have any information in hand.

“Cap.”

The STRIKE team came in fully armored. They might bring guns with them all the time, but they don’t usually wear bulletproof vests in the building unless something dangerous was in the building. They certainly speak more too.

“Rumlow.”

Steve stood in the center of the elevator as the group of people surrounded him. Rumlow was behind him and he murmured, “I’m sorry about what happened with Fury. It’s messed up, what happened to him.”

The elevator stopped again with more staffs coming in. It became crowded with men, and Steve looked down at the trembling hand next to him that was reaching for a gun.

“Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?” Glancing around the room, Steve looked into the familiar faces. There are twenty people in this room and Steve only hoped that they want to catch him alive.

“I just want you to know, Cap, this isn’t personal.” Rumlow spoke in a low tone as he reached out for his weapon. Steve glared at the grin that slowly appeared on the man’s face.

“It kind of feels personal.”

The man standing in front of him turned around and threw a punch towards Steve. He avoided the punch and pulled the arm forcefully. The man immediately fell towards him and Steve used his body to block away a few punches. He then threw the man to the floor and kicked the man behind him. He slammed his fist to Rumlow’s stomach and took the gun out of his hand.

He was hit in the waist and the back by a few punches but successfully knocked down a third of the people in the small room. The agents became more cautious and started to move back when suddenly a man with a suitcase threw a metal handcuff at him. It flew straight to Steve’s wrist and locked him to the metal wall. Steve tried to pull his arm away from the wall as he kicked at the men advancing towards him. It was harder than expected when he was getting hit and kicked, but as a man tazed him in the waist, Steve aimed a brutal punch at the man, dragging the cuff with him.

The elevator started to drop as Steve hit a few other men to the ground. There were only a few standing now, mostly STRIKE agents, and the door suddenly opened to reveal a line of agents, pointing their weapons at Steve.

Steve huffed with anger as the men told him to freeze and stand down. With a glance at the view outside the elevator, he threw himself to the glass wall and slid the shield beneath him. They were still at a height that people shouldn’t jump down from, but it is the only chance for Steve if he doesn’t want to get caught.

With a loud bang, Steve landed on the ground with shattered glass around his body. He could feel a sharp pain at his chest and a few cuts on his wrists, but he ignored the injuries as he ran towards the gate. His whole body was aching but he is still alive, and as long as he is alive, he can heal.

He was only slightly worried when he coughed out blood.

\---

Steve knew that he should have persuaded Fury right away when he was told about the project. It was obvious that SHIELD was compromised and Alexander Pierce had something to do with it. As Natasha told him about the Winter Soldier, he wondered if the guy was another product of a lab experiment like him. Looking at the scar on Natasha’s hips and remembering about the sore arm he had after he caught his shield back from the man; Steve knew that when they meet this soldier again, Steve is the only person who has the chance to stop him.

With Natasha’s help, they arrived at the targeted location. Steve could see the shadows of the training site located here seventy years ago. There were more people and vegetation, but the running track was still bare. Steve could see a smaller him running around the field. It wasn’t exactly running, more like jogging very slowly, with the rest of the chosen soldiers rushing ahead of him. The admirals have never been patient with him, and Steve has always hated himself for being so weak.

“What is it?”

Natasha mistaken his silence as suspicion, but he didn’t correct her. Steve turned his gaze away from the field and headed towards the storage building. “Army regulations forbid storing munitions within 500 yards of the barracks. This building shouldn’t be here.”

They opened the door with force and saw a SHIELD logo painted on the wall right in front of them. There were desks and chairs lying around the room, and after investigating around, they found a hidden elevator behind a bookshelf and went in. It only had a way down and after they reached the secret basement, the door opened to a huge room that was full of machineries.

As they stepped out of the elevator, the lights turned on automatically. In spite of a strange feeling about the basement, Steve walked towards the center of the room, which consisted of a counter with a huge computer on top of it.

The computer wasn’t modernized but there was an USB portal on the counter. On the screen, there was a green code that says “Initiation system”.

He looked around the strange room as Natasha dealt with the machine and connected the USB to the portal. Is this place for the storage of information? Why is the computer still operating after so many years? Why does he feel that someone is watching them?

“Rogers, Steven. Born in 1918. Romanoff, Natalia Alianovna. Born in 1984.”

Steve was startled by the sudden sound from the computer and he snapped his head towards the screen. The text was replaced by lines and shades that form an unclear outline of some shape. Steve scrunched his brows as the lines moved slightly, and realized that it forms an outline of a face.

“Hmm. It’s some kind of recording.”

“I am not a recording, Fraulein. I may not be the man I was when the Captain took me prisoner in 1945. But I am.”

Steve’s eyes grew wide open and he stepped closer to the screen with his heart pacing. He recognized the voice, but can it be possible? The figure in the screen curved his lips upwards into a nasty grin as he tracked Steve’s surprised expression.

“You know this thing?” Natasha turned to Steve when he shook and moved backwards. Steve gulped with trembling lips and said, “Arnim Zola was a German scientist who worked for the Red Skull. He’s been dead for years.”

“First correction, I am Swiss.” Zola was now grinning with his teeth showing, “Second, look around, I have never been more alive.”

Steve’s heart was pounding so hard the ache in his chest returned. HYDRA has never died. HYDRA infiltrated SHIELD, the organization Peggy and Howard worked so hard on, and was now going to create a weapon of mass destruction. He wondered if the two years he has gone through been a dream after all. What has he fought for and died for seventy years ago?

“Once a purification process is complete, HYDRA’s new world order will arise. We won, Captain. Your death amounts to the same as your life. A zero sum.”

The mechanic laugh from the Zola caused the wave of nausea to worsen, making Steve’s knees wobble. Natasha quickly held him by the arm and turned to the machine with a murderous expression. Steve couldn’t hear Natasha’s sharp hisses as Zola’s words echoed in his ears.

“I am afraid I have been stalling Captain. Admit it. It’s better this way. We are, both of us, out of time.”

He felt the ground shaking as the words got louder and the ache from his chest spread to his head. Steve felt himself being covered by a warm body when suddenly the ceiling collapsed on top of them. He looked up and saw Natasha covering them with his shield. Around them was no longer an intact room, but bricks and whatever left from the explosion. He leaned over Natasha instinctively as a brick fell and let it drop on his back. The pain didn’t help him from waking up from this nightmare.

He shook and curled into a ball on the backseat as Natasha drove the car and brought them to Sam’s. When they entered his house, Steve was tucked into a soft blanket on a sofa. He tried his best to stay focused when Natasha and Sam planned out a strategy, but their words made no sense as it turned into buzzing noises in his head. Steve looked into the cup of water that he couldn’t remember holding a second ago, and sipped the cool liquid as his rapid breath started to slow down.

\---

They captured agent Sitwell since he didn’t have combat skills and was one of the people who put the order to capture Steve. Sitwell told them how Zola’s algorithm works after a few simple threats, and they immediately headed towards SHIELD’s Headquarter.

They were attacked by the Winter Soldier and his men on the way to the Headquarter and Steve was thrown off of the highway by an explosion. He landed in a bus, causing it to flip over and land on its side. The blow and the screaming around him made him nauseous, but he pushed himself out of the bus as bullets were shot towards it.

With Sam dealing with the other men, he ran towards Natasha and the Winter Soldier. The man only showed his eyes, which shared the same shade of brown as Bucky’s. Steve shook his head with surprise and furrowed his brows. He cannot be distracted now; this might be his chance to make his life worth something again.

The man with the metal arm was as strong as Steve. His actions were brutal as he slashed the sharp dagger towards Steve’s face and body, aiming for the eye or the heart. With a few ducks, Steve hit hard on the hand that was holding the dagger, causing the weapon to drop. The Winter Soldier quickly grasped Steve’s head and slam it with his knee. The sudden attack made Steve lose his balance, but he hit the man hard in the stomach with his head and jumped backwards as the man fell with the force.

It seemed like the Winter Soldier doesn’t feel pain, because he didn’t crouch or cover his stomach. The man simply stood up and threw himself to Steve. Steve dodged the fist with difficulty as the man struck again from the other side. The blow caused a sharp pain that numbed his cheek and blurred his vision. Steve stumbled backwards and spitted out the blood from his mouth; the man wasn’t showing any sign of fatigue or distress, though Steve cannot be sure since he could only see the man’s eyes. He felt frustration rushing in his veins as the man marched towards him, again, without hesitation.

With a few hits, the Winter Soldier grabbed him tightly as he drew his metal arm backwards and ploughed it into Steve’s stomach. Steve yelled as he struggled and kicked at the man. He pushed the Winter Soldier with all his force and hit him hard towards the floor. As the man landed on the ground on his face, his mask fell off. Steve walked towards the man with caution when the man pushed himself up with his metal arm. He shook his head, causing his hair to cover his face, and looked up at Steve with a deathly glare.

The entire world stopped as the hair was blown away from the man’s face. As if in slow motion, Steve saw the man blink and turn towards Steve to reveal his face. It was a face that Steve dreamt and thought about every day in agony and despair. It was a face that caused the self-loathness in Steve for being Captain America instead of Steve Rogers. It was the face that shouldn’t have its eyes opened, that shouldn’t be glaring coldly at Steve, that shouldn’t appear here seventy years later.

“Bucky?!”

The man didn’t even blink as he stared blankly into Steve’s soul, “Who the hell is Bucky.”

And then the world shattered.

\---

The three of them were caught and forced onto a van with two armored agents watching their every move. Steve remained silent and motionless throughout the capture. Sam gave him a sympathizing glance and Natasha a clench on his hand.

He should be happy that his best friend didn’t die in the fall. Steve’s guilt should be gone now since he didn’t cause the death of his best friend, but the distant expression on Bucky’s face made his heart sink. His Bucky doesn’t recognize him anymore, and has a metal arm that has a Soviet Star on it. Bucky has super-human strength like him, and is an assassin who killed Nick Fury. How long has Bucky been like this? What happened that made Bucky into what he is now?

Steve sank his face into his palms and did his best to muffle his uncontrollable sobs. This all happened because he couldn’t save Bucky from the fall. Bucky could have had a beautiful wife and smart children; he could have had dozens of medals pinned on his uniform and lived in a big mansion. Whatever the kind of life Bucky would live would be much better than the life he is living now, and this is all Steve’s fault.

And what has Steve fought for seventy years ago that took away his life? Cut off one head, two more shall take its place. Schmidt might be gone, but HYDRA has spread like the black plague. It’s not just him who had fought for nothing and died for nothing, his comrades had also fought for nothing and died for nothing. If he reacted quicker, Dr. Erskine would have survived and created an army of super soldiers that could have defeated HYDRA entirely. If he left the damn spotlight on the stage earlier, he would have saved more lives and killed more enemies. If he stood up in time, Bucky wouldn’t have fell off the train and become a HYDRA assassin. All his life he has been useless and a drag, no matter if it’s before or after the serum.

He wasn’t fully aware that they left the van with agent Maria Hills when it all happened. He felt his shoulder being gripped by Natasha the entire time but other than that, everything was a blur until Nick Fury appeared in front of them.

They were in a basement somewhere and Nick Fury was still wounded, but alive. Steve felt his eyes water again as the man waved with a smug grin

“We don’t have much time left, but I would like to speak to the captain in private.”

The agents and Sam looked concerned, but when Sam opened his mouth, he was dragged away by Natasha and Hills. The room was silence except from the beeping from the machine that was hooked to Fury.

“Steve, sit down please.” Fury pointed at the chair next to his bed and looked steadily into Steve’s eyes. Under his gaze, Steve dropped his head and moved slowly towards the chair.

“I am sorry that you have to go through all this mess, and I am sorry that I am no Agent Carter, but right now I need you to listen to me.”

Fury coughed and paused for a minute, “You have done a lot in your life that nobody could have achieved. There is a reason why the SSR chose you to be the first subject for the serum, and I want you to remember that. There is a war right now that needs you, and I trust you in this, because you have proven to the world that Captain America is worth respecting and believing in.”

Steve took a deep breath as the man continued, “There is only one Captain America because of who you are, Steve. You are loyal, courageous, and selfless. Because of whom you are, you need to go through a lot of pain, a lot of losses, and I am sorry for that. But Steve, you will never have to deal with these losses alone, because you will always have the support and love from people around you.”

Fury reached up for Steve’s arm and gave him a soft pat, “Now, I know that the Winter Soldier was your friend and I know that you won’t want to fight with him. If we have more time, I will ask Stark to help so you can focus on the HYDRAs and we can deal with the Winter Soldier later, but Stark isn’t here and can’t be here in time. So, if you meet the Winter Soldier, tell the others to buy you time and you just focus on your mission.”

Steve looked up, confused, “I-I thought you would want me to catch him.” The idea of imprisoning Bucky or even killing Bucky made him want to throw up. But Bucky is now working for HYDRA and seemed to forget about his past. He tried to kill Fury and fought against Steve with no recognition in his eyes. If he was let out loose…

“After being ‘killed’ by the Winter Soldier, I told Hills to check his background. He survived the fall but was captured by the Soviets. He… he was brainwashed and trained into a weapon for the HYDRAs.”

Steve shut his eyes with force as the image of Bucky screaming and crying under torture appeared in his head. The air around him felt thinner and Steve panted heavily as he struggled to breathe. He felt a hand gripping tightly on his arm as Fury’s voice rang. “Every mission he carried out never lasted over two months, even if it wasn’t accomplished. Do you know why?”

The voice grew clearer as it went on, “The HYDRAs injected a serum in his body, similar to yours, that made his recovery pace faster and his body stronger. Because his recovery pace is so fast, the brainwashing effect could never stay for long. They need to wipe and freeze him after every mission to keep him that way.”

Steve widened his eyes and felt his heart flutter with hope. He gripped on Fury’s hand as his pants grew into sobs and the man gave him a smile.

“You are not going to tell anyone about the first part of our conversation, I still have a tough and badass reputation to hold onto. Now let’s call the guys in and make a plan to kick some asses!”

\---

They replaced the chips on two of the Helicarriers already. Steve clenched tightly on his pocket that held the last chip as they landed onto the third Helicarrier. There was still some time left and hopefully he could still find Bucky after replacing the chip.

A sudden punch from his left threw him over the board, causing him to fly off the aircraft. He reached out just in time to grab on the surface of the jet as he landed on the lower deck. Looking up, he saw Sam being thrown out by Bucky. There was a shriek followed by a loud thump. Sam’s voice came through the earpiece accompanied with a buzzing static noise, “I’m grounded, the suit’s down. I’m sorry, Captain.”

“Don’t worry, I got it.” Sam was supposed to distract Bucky for Steve but Steve was already on the third chip anyways. He needed to get to the chip carrier quick enough to avoid fighting with Bucky.

Steve sneaked into the jet and arrived at the center of the aircraft. He reached the carrier with one last jump and stopped abruptly when he saw the familiar figure standing between him and the carrier.

Bucky looked the same as the day before, but this time he didn’t wear a mask. His eyes were impassive and lips tightened, with two hands reaching close to his guns. Steve couldn’t find any signs of recognition, and his chest began to ache again.

“People are gonna die, Buck. I can’t let that happen. I can’t let HYDRA win again. Please… Please don’t make me do this.” Steve muttered under his breath as the aircraft rose higher and higher. He doesn’t want to hurt Bucky voluntarily, but it would be worse if HYDRA succeeds and imprison Bucky again. Steve swore with distress and threw the shield at Bucky. It was deflected by the metal arm and when Steve grabbed the shield, a bullet was shot at his waist, right below the shield. Steve swallowed a pained gasp and threw Bucky to the floor as he reached for the carrier. Bucky stood back up and with a roar, and pushed both of them over the deck. The chip fell down with them, and Bucky snatched it as they were falling.

They both fell to the glass deck with a loud thump. Steve tried to stand back up but he tumbled when a dagger was thrown straight to his shoulder blade. He drew it out with trembling hands and grabbed Bucky’s neck and pulled him off the ground. The man let out an angry shriek but refused to let go out of the chip. Steve threw him onto the ground and locked his arms and legs with all his force. Bucky’s struggles and cries made his eyes water, but he refused to let go of his grip on Bucky’s neck. With his eyes rolled back, Bucky finally let go of the chip, and lied, motionless, in Steve’s arms.

Steve grabbed the chip and climbed up the racks, trying not to look back at Bucky. He needed to inject the chip into the carrier as quickly as possible or else he couldn’t save Bucky or stop the mass killing. There was no one nearby to help Steve so he needed to do this on his own. His thoughts were interrupted by a shot that fired straight to his leg. He swung to the left as another shot was fired and shouted in agony. He could feel blood oozing out of the wound and despite his fast recovery speed, he can’t stop the blood when the bullet was still in his body. Steve looked up and bit his cheeks to keep himself focused. There is only one more floor to go. He needed to get to stop HYDRA once more.

He finally made it to the carrier, barely dodging a few other bullets. Swinging himself up to the surface, Steve pulled out the chip and attached it to the machine just as another shot fired straight to his abdomen. He gasped and looked down at the crimson spreading on his uniform. Strength was leaving his body but his mission wasn’t finished yet. He slouched onto the machine and with a deep breath, said into the earpiece, “Open fire.”

He looked down to see Bucky struggling under a metal frame. Steve ripped the earpiece out of his ears as he jumped down and limped towards Bucky. The man looked like a trapped animal when Steve got closer. Steve ignored the heavy feeling in his stomach and knelt down to pull up the frame. With trembling hands and shaking knees, he held the frame just high enough for Bucky to roll over, who struck Steve to the floor as he tumbled backwards.

“Buck, you know me!” It stung when Steve tried to open his swollen eyes but he didn’t blink for a second as Bucky with his mouth tightened in a stubborn line. “No I don’t!” He tried to stab Steve in the chest but didn’t seem to as vicious as before when Steve grabbed the knife and threw it across the deck.

“Bucky. You’ve kn-known me your whole life. Your name is James Buchanan Barnes.”

Bucky threw a punch on his face, causing Steve to blackout for a few seconds, and screamed with rage, “Shut up!”

Steve swallowed the metallic taste in his mouth and turned his face back to Bucky. The anger in Bucky’s face made Steve choke up as he said softly and threw his shield down, hoping to calm him down, “I’m not go-going to fight you. You are my friend.”

The words only made Bucky more furious, “You are my mission!” He leapt onto Steve and pinned him down on his back. Bucky swung his fist towards Steve again and again as he repeated, “You-you are my mission! You are my…”

Steve blocked his face and most of his chest as tears rolled down his cheeks. Everywhere was hurting; the sharp and rapid blows along with the ache inside of him made everything dim and blurry, except from Bucky’s face. Like the light of a tunnel, his face was all Steve can see and grasp on, but his body was wearing him down and the opening of the tunnel was starting to get smaller and smaller.

“Then finish it.” His voice tremored as he forced the words out of his mouth. The punches slowed down and stopped as Bucky sat there, looking lost and confused. Steve put down both of his arms by his side and looked up at Bucky. After finding out that he has died for nothing, he only hoped to find and help Bucky in this lifetime. It is a mistake he made seventy years ago, a sin he cannot erase, and if Bucky can’t even remember him, it would be at least be a comfort to die in Bucky’s arms.

“I’m with you to the end of the line.”

He was slightly relieved, not certain if it’s because Bucky didn’t continue to punch or because Bucky seemed to recognize the words he said. All he could notice was how Bucky’s fist stayed in the air. It was shaking as if Bucky was using all his strength to stop the fist from hitting Steve, and Steve felt a sense of hope rising in his chest. Steve grew a shaky breath as he reached out, slowly, to Bucky’s hand.

All of a sudden, the aircraft shook and the glass Steve was lying on shattered. Steve widened his eyes as he tried to grab the metal frame nearby but his arms were too weak and he fell backwards. Bucky grabbed a frame just in time and was holding out an arm for Steve as he screamed his name. It was like what happened seven years ago, except that Bucky is the one who gets to live this time. Steve gulped in the cold air and blinked furiously so the waters in his eyes won’t block out his last image of Bucky.

As he dropped further down, he saw a figure jumping down from the aircraft with his hands reached out towards Steve. He could see the fear and panic in Bucky’s eyes, and he wondered if he could have saved Bucky from the fall if he jumped down from the train with him. Steve stretched his arms towards Bucky and, after a few grasp of thin air, grabbed onto Bucky’s sweating palms. A bright smile grew on his face as his back crashed to the surface of the water.

Before he was wrapped up by the darkness, he felt a cold metal arm that held him closely to a warm body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for my dear beta Jen again! I tried my best to finish this chap asap but i had midterms for the past month so im sorry for the long wait T.T Good luck to all those who are having papers and exams and whatever stressful things!!  
> Fury might be a bit OOC but I couldn’t think of a better person to break the news to Steve and comfort him. I was inspired by his conversation with Tony in Avengers 2, and obviously being a director of SHIELD doesn’t only mean only being fierce in dealing with problems, but also being attentive to members in trouble. Plus, my idea of his character is that he calculates every possible strategies in his head, so his little talk with Steve isn’t just to calm down a friend, but also to make Steve focus on his job. So yeah, even though Fury told Steve he doesn’t need to catch Bucky, his future plans with Bucky doesn’t just end there (STILL THINKING ABOUT HOW IT’LL GO!! WE SHALL SEE).

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you sooo much for reading! I hope you guys enjoyed it :DDDD  
> I promise Bucky will actually appear next chapter ahaha I have most of the stuff written down but I haven't linked them up or checked for plot holes yet... but it's there!!!  
> The flow of this chapter is a bit weird because I wanted to write Steve when he just woke up but I also can't wait to have Bucky out in the next chapter so I kinda rushed things for a bit... THE FLOW WILL BE A BIT BETTER NXT CHAP WHEN BUCKY APPEARS IM SORRY  
> And of course THANK YOU FOR MY DEAR BETAS!! Nat and Jen you guys are the best :)
> 
> Ps. I'm hiddleshug on tumblr for those who might want to find me :D againnnn thank you so much for reading


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